Holy Roller(coaster)

I know it has been a long time since I last posted, and I'm sorry for that. Life has been insane lately. Sometimes it feels like I'm on a roller coaster and can't get off. Hence the name of this post. Let me tell you what I mean. 

For the first few months of my fellowship, things weren't that busy. I hadn't started having to write notes (which can take quite a while, especially for a new patient) or go to many meetings. I wasn't having lots of outside projects to work on, etc. Life was good. I worked my 7-8 hours and went home, spent time with my family, and enjoyed life. Now, I am writing notes, having presentations every few weeks, have a journal article to write, have to go on an overnight outreach clinic, have business meetings, and the list goes on and on. My days are no longer my own. Please don't get me wrong, I am still absolutely in love with my job. I wouldn't want to be doing anything else. I just wish I could have used all that free time I had a few months ago to do some of the stuff I have to do now. Too bad none of these things were around back then to work on. 

The first few months of my fellowship were like the part on the roller coaster right as you get to the top of the hill. Not too fast. Not too uncomfortable. Just pleasant and fun. These last two months have been like the downward plunge the car takes as you speed down the hill. Too fast. You can't take time to enjoy anything because life is rushing past you. Some people love that sensation, the rush of the speed. I, however, do not. God did not give me that kind of personality. And as I currently speed down the hill of the roller coaster, He reminds me that He is in control of it and that He will not allow me to get hurt. It's not some guy with a mullet, three teeth, and an "I LOVE MOM" tattoo handling the switch of the coaster; it's my almighty Father, who loves me more than I can ever imagine. At the bottom of the hill is the hardest part. You're down as low as you can get. Then you face the hard and tedious task of climbing back up to the top of the hill where you get that moment of peace, enjoyment, and splendor, just before life slings you back down to the valley. As I face these ups and downs, I must remind myself I'm not the only one. Everyone is on their own roller coaster. Some just get to spend more time at the top. I like to think that the times I'm spending in the valley right now are preparing me for a glorious day at the top very soon. 

Pastor Rod has been preaching a series on giants. Last week he asked us to write down the giant in our life. At first, I thought mine was food. I need to lose weight, and it seemed like an obvious thing to choose. But as I sit here and type this, it's becoming painfully obvious to me that I've been blind to my real giant all along. My giant is worry. I worry about everything. Just read what I typed above. I worry about work. Will I get my reports done? How am I going to get this presentation finished on time? I worry about money and my family. What's going to happen with Will? How will we pay for stuff the kids need? How am I going to pay all of the bills? How am I going to.....I've got to stop. I've got to face my giant. Pastor Rod said today, "There will never be a better day to face your giant than today." I think if I can face this giant and defeat it, that my life will be much more manageable and enjoyable. I worry so much about everyone and everything that I don't worry about me. I hope that learning to face this giant, to kick it's butt, will help me get my life back into the proper prospective so that I can be a better witness and do more for Him. 

Would pray that with me? Would you be willing to pray that I can face this giant of worry and kick it's sorry butt right into the ground? I'm going to stop worrying about where I am on this roller coaster of a life and try to enjoy the ride. I hope you will too. 

Living By Faith

I just finished reading my best friend's blog. She is one of the most amazing people I've ever known. You see, she and her family (husband and three daughters) are foreign missionaries. They are getting ready to head to the other side of the globe, live in the jungle, and sacrifice all of life's luxuries so that the tribal people there can know the Lord. It makes me wonder if I'd be willing to do the same thing. I like to think so, but when it really came down to it, would I be willing to leave my wonderful life here in the States and go live in a mud hut somewhere in order to bring the Gospel to a lost people? 
Then, like a ton of bricks, it hit me. I'm doing what she's doing. Well, not literally what she's doing, but what she's doing. God's will for her life is to serve Him as a foreign missionary. God's will for my life is being a doctor. I joke that I'm glad God's will for my life wasn't to move far far away and live in the jungle, but the truth is, this life isn't always easy either. God calls us to be life-long followers of Him, and that's not always easy. I think one of the many reasons for this is that it allows us to relate to people who don't know Him on a personal level. If being a life-long follower of Christ were super easy, how would we be able to say, "I understand what you're going through" or "I know how you feel."? The world would say, "No you don't! Your life is super easy!" Going through hard times allows us to  truly know what they're going through and use that as a way to minister and witness to them.
Living in the center of God's will also shows us the power of living by faith. That is certainly no easy task. I mean, think about it. Wouldn't it be much easier just to keep my tithe check and use that money to pay my bills? I'm sure a lot of people think, "She'd have plenty of money if she didn't give so much away. " Well, the truth is, I still wouldn't have enough even if I kept every penny. But, God didn't call me to make money and keep it all for myself. It isn't even truly my money. It's His. He deserves my willingness to give it back to Him, and that's what tithing is. There are also people who live on even less money than I do and could use it more than me. There are people in this world who don't have Bibles, and if I can go without one fast food dinner to provide them with one, then it's totally worth it (and my waistline will thank me!). 
Living by faith isn't only about money though. It's about all aspects of your life. It's about moving half-way across the country just a few months after you get married to go to medical school. It's about getting pregnant 9 months after you get married (when you certainly weren't trying to) and trusting Him that this is all in His plan. It's about staying in a city 12 hours from your family to do residency when you have two children, one with special needs. It's about Him putting us in that city in order to attend an awesome church with a priceless church family whom I miss every day and for Will to attend the greatest developmental preschool on the planet. It's about being given the honor of raising a special needs child so that I can minister to the hurting parents of other special needs children every day in my practice. It's about knowing that when my best friend moves far far away in a few months, that she'll be okay and that even though I'll miss her dearly, our friendship will not fail because we can't talk every day. It's about knowing that God puts each of us where we are for a specific purpose, a great purpose. 
I feel honored to know her. She ministers to me in ways she'll probably never know. Her example of living by faith helps me know that I can do it too. I hope that I can be half the witness and example she is and that my life will bless someone else the way she has blessed mine. I love you J!

$6000

Every Sunday it seems as though God confirms that First Assembly NLR is where He wants us to be. It's like Pastor Rod's sermons are written just for me and that I'm the only one in the sanctuary. Today he started a series called "Shipwrecked." Our worship leader does a great job pairing worship songs and hymns with the theme of the sermon. Today we sang a song called "In Christ Alone." It's one of my favorites and always gives me goosebumps. As we sang this morning, this lady kept coming into my thougts. It was the lady who has been assigned our case at social security regarding the supposed overpayment they made to us on Will's SSI. I spent three days this week talking with her, worrying about it all, and wondering "Why me?" I've been angry and fretful. I've felt abused by "the system" and frustrated with it all. But, this morning, God had it in His plans for me to see this situation in a completely different light. 
Just for a little background, I'll explain the situation with social security. Will started receiving SSI checks in 2006 because he is disabled and we were poor. At some point, social security overpaid us, but I didn't know this. I found out when we got a letter saying we owed something like $5600. Well, I applied for waiver based on financial hardship, and they waived $1999. They then proceeded to take another $675 out of his monthly checks until we stopped getting SSI in the spring (because I make "too much money" as a resident/fellow!). That left us with just over $2900 still to repay. Well, then we get another letter saying they'd overpaid us again. This time it was $3000. Social security is trying to say it's my fault, but I notified them of my pay increase. Anyway, now the total they're saying we have to repay is just over $6000. Now, back to the good stuff...
A particular line from the song caught my attention that hadn't ever before. "No power of hell, no scheme of man can ever pluck me from His hand." Think about it. That means that no matter what kind of storm you're going through, no matter who is being hateful or how hateful they're being, no matter what - God has you in the palm of His hand. No one and nothing can touch you if you remain in Him. I just kept thinking about this situation with social security. He was telling me that it didn't matter. It doesn't matter how crapy our country's system is or how much money I may or may not have to pay back.  All that matters is that I'll be victorious through Him. 
Then He said something else. He said, "Isn't this lady's life worth $6000?" I was like, wow! I never thought about it like that. It never even crossed my mind that I might be going through this storm in order to reach a lost or needy soul for Him. All I could think about was me. How selfish is that? As followers of Christ we are called to be selfless and to follow Him, and here I was worrying about me. I don't know if this lady is saved or not. I don't know what she's going through. It could be something even more difficult than what I'm facing. I now know that whatever comes of this situation, what I say and how I act could affect her eternity. After thinking about this lady, I was able to anwer Him, "Yes. Her life is worth just as much as mine. And He paid the ultimate sacrifice for me." So, if I'm called to have to pay $6000 in order to reach someone for the kingdom, then so be it. 
Selfishly, I'm hoping that God will use me to reach her and that He'll allow social security to grant the waiver. But, no matter what, I'm praying that I can have a good attitude, speak lovingly, and make a difference in this lady's life. Please pray with me. Listen to this song (click the link below. It's a little hard to see.), and have an open heart for what He might be saying to you. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENtL_li4GbE

Cate Vs. the Potty

Cate is going on three and a half years old, and she refuses to potty train. We've tried every method known to man: "Potty training in one day," letting her run around without pants on all weekend, scheduled potty sits, bribery, sticker charts...you name it and we've tried it. I have thought since the beginning of these efforts that her refusal had a lot to do with the fact that her older brother, whom she loves and looks up to, isn't potty trained either. She is still too young to really understand that her big brother isn't "normal" and that typically developing six year old children are potty trained. I've tried explaining that to her on a three year old level, but she just doesn't seem to get it. I've mentioned this to some of my friends in the psychology field, and they agree. They also say that she's the baby and may feel like this is her last baby thing to hold on to. Another suggested that she may feel like the time we spend changing Will is special time just for him and that she feels like she's getting robbed of special time by having to use the bathroom. 

It's very frustrating as a mom, and especially as a developmental pediatrician, not to be able to potty train your child. A lot of people look at your ability to potty train your child as an index of how good a parent you are and how smart your child is. I've come to believe that neither of these things are true. Some kids are easier than others to train. And some kids have extenuating circumstances that prolong their training - like having an older brother who is disabled and not trained. I guess I just want those moms (and dads and grandparents and...) who had kids who were super easy to train not to look down on moms who are still working with their kids after the expected age of training. (By the way, three and a half is still considered to be within normal limits for potty training.) Anyway, enough of my preaching and back to the story. 

Cate started preschool last week at our church. She's going two days a week and absolutely loves it. She is in the three year old room, so I'm hoping she's being exposed to lots of kids using the potty. They requested that we send her in pull-ups rather than diapers so she can practice pulling them up and down more easily. I thought, "Sure! I'll do just about anything if you'll help with potty training." So, we changed to pull-ups about two or three weeks ago. The last time we tried this Cate freaked out. This time it was a breeze. She especially likes them because they're pink and have Disney princesses on them. 

Anyway, since she tolerated that well, we've moved on to schedules potty sits. We started Monday with sitting on the potty every 45 minutes. She screamed and cried and screamed and cried! But, she did sit there. She never went in the potty that day, but by the end of the night, she had stopped crying! I give her one piece from a pack of fruit snacks for the initial sit, one piece half-way through (after about two and a half minutes) and a final piece at the end of five minutes. Then she stands up, flushes the potty, and washes her  hands. By the end of last night, she was pulling her pants down by herself! So, no actually going in the potty yet, but definite progress. I count this as potty 1, Cate 0! 

Please pray that she'll continue to progress and maybe even go in the potty soon. It would simplify our lives in more than one way, and any of you who have kids know that the simpler life is the better. I hope to have some more exciting news from the potty front soon!

Home

Our time here in Montgomery has come to an end. We arrived on Thursday evening and had dinner at our favorite Montgomery restaurant, El Rey. The food was delicious, and the company was even better. Friday we went to the hospital to visit my great aunt who is in her mid-nineties and "at the end of life." We then had a delicious dinner at home with my family and my best friend Melanie and her husband Joe. Saturday we went shopping and then went to Aunt Sue's house to swim and cook out. It was really nice seeing everyone and spending time together. Will and Cate had a wonderful time in the pool. They both were able to tread water completely unassisted for the first time. Will walked all over the shallow end by himself too. It was really neat to see. Today we went to church and had lunch with my parents. Then we went to Jeremiah's dad and step-mom's house for a visit. We had a good time. The kids loved watching the chickens. We came back home, dropped off the kids, went and did a little more shopping, had dinner with Melanie and Joe, and then had frozen yogurt with Melanie, Joe, Catherine, and Jessie. It has been a very fun and exhausting day.
I love coming home and seeing everyone. I try my best to visit with everyone who wants to see us (mainly they want to see the kids). It's really hard to get that done in such a short trip. If we'd had anyone else to visit with I'm not sure we could have fit it in. While I love visiting, it is very tiring . We haven't been able to sleep in at all and we go non-stop everyday. I wouldn't have it any other way, unless I could add hours to the day during which I could rest. We'll be heading home again for Thanksgiving and then for Christmas. While I don't have any more vacation time now then I did last year, it's easier to get home and I can take my vacation whenever I want it. I like that! This weekend has been all I was hoping it would be. I hope things are this good when we get back here in November.

God Knew

Thursday we will be heading home to Montgomery for the first time since last Thanksgiving. A lot has happened since then. I've finished residency and started fellowship. We've moved from Oklahoma to Arkansas - slowly making our way back east of the Mighty Mississippi. My beautiful sister has had a baby - the second cutest little boy in the entire world, second only to my Will. Friends are getting married and having babies. Life is definitely happening, whether I want it to or not. 
I can't help but look back and think, "Have I really done all of this?" You see, the last time I actually lived in Montgomery, I had just gotten married and was still in the process of applying to medical school. I had always wanted to be a doctor, and I knew it was God's will for my life. But, it wasn't until after the wedding that He decided to let me in on the plan as to where I would go. I certainly didn't think I'd be moving half-way across the country. I had no idea why we ended up in Tulsa. God knew. Then, surprise! Here comes little Will. I had no idea why we were having a baby so early in our marriage and my medical school career. God knew. I survived medical school and had to decide where to do my residency. I decided to stay in Tulsa only to find out I could have had a spot back in Alabama. Why? God knew.
Will got in to the Little Light House the same summer I started my residency. It was there that Will was able to reach his full potential. Had I not listened to Him, Will would have never had that opportunity. Who know what he would or would not be able to do if he hadn't been able to spend three wonderful years there. God definitely knew.
Then the decision came to do a fellowship. Oklahoma City or Little Rock? (Okay, that was an easy one!) Why couldn't I find a good private school for special needs kids for Will? Why did I have to send him to public school, where I had heard bad things about the special education system? God knew. He blessed me with a smooth IEP process and wonderful people to work with. He blessed Will with an amazing teacher who has personal experience with Angelman Syndrome. He's blessed us with support that we wouldn't otherwise have had. God knew. 
Now, we're heading home for a little rest and relaxation. We're heading home to some things that are happening and I don't know why. But, God knows. He is in control of every situation. I'm praying for a peaceful time with our family - time to catch up and enjoy each other. God knows my heart, and I have a feeling that this is going to be a very special weekend.

Totally a God Thing!

We moved to Little Rock just about two months ago. We had come to town over spring break to look for a house. It seemed like we weren't going to find anything we could remotely afford that would meet our minimum needs. Then, the evening before we left town, we found a house in North Little Rock - a house that we thought had just been rented. We later came to find out that we are ONE street inside North Little Rock and one street away from Sherwood. What this means for us is that we are in the North Little Rock school district, which has a better reputation than the Pulaski County Special school district (the schools that serve Sherwood). I kept hearing good things about Will's school, Indian Hills Elementary. This got me a little excited. But, even though the IEP process had gone smoothly thus far, I was still worried about how this all was going to go. You see, we came from The Little Light House in Tulsa. It's what I like to call "heaven on earth for special needs kids." If you meet anyone who has a child there, they'll tell you, they dread the day that their child has to graduate. 
What I knew before tonight was that Will would be in the self-contained special education class. He would have six total students in his room with one special education teacher and two paraprofessionals. This student to teacher/para ratio thrilled me. Indian Hills is also the only elementary school in the district with a full-time nurse, and they have the district's lead speech and occupational therapists. I definitely liked all of this. But would the teacher be as nice as his had been at The Little Light House? Would they be as understanding? Would they let him have a snack (the boy likes to eat!)? Question after question filled my mind. Finally, I sat down and prayed - novel idea, huh? I told God that this was my son, my child who I had dedicated to Him and I know has a devine purpose on this earth. I want the best for Will and desired that all his needs be met at school without too much difficulty on my part. 
Tonight was back to school night. We went up to the school and met Will's teacher, therapists, and principal. It was AMAZING! His teacher is fresh out of college and has such a fire for life and passion for our special kids. When we walked into the room she said, "You're Will. I am sooo excited to meet you! I had a dream about y'all last night. " At first I thought, well that's kind of weird. Then she went on to tell us that she has a niece who is five years old and also has Angelman Syndrome. She even spent a year and a half living with her and taking care of her. God put this wonderful young woman in place at this moment just for Will. She seemed so honestly interested in him, what he can do (which she was amazed by), and what his needs are. If he's hungry, she'll let him eat. If he's tired, he can lay down. Need help eating? No problem. Every time I asked her what I needed to do in regards to things like diapers or sippy cups, she would say, "Whatever is easiest for you. " She even plans on sending home daily notes with progress reports, etc. I couldn't ask for more. His therapists all came into the classroom to meet him, find out more about him, and see what our goals for Will were. Finally, when we met the new principal, we found out that she got her start as a self-contained special education teacher. She said to us, "Well, isn't it a coincidence that his teacher has a niece with the same condition and that I taught special ed?" I know it's no coincidence. It's totally a God thing!
I don't know why I'm so amazed by this. He promises in His Word that He'll supply all of our needs. He also promises that He will give us the desires of our hearts. 

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."  - Psalm 37:4

This happens over and over again. I think it goes back to the whole fear thing. I'm afraid things won't go the way I want them to or that I'll be disappointed. God shows me over and over again that there is no reason to be afraid or worry. The best place in the world that you can be is in the center of His will. When you dedicate yourself to Him and "delight yourself" in Him, He really will give you the desires of your heart. The key is, when you're fully delighted in Him, your desires become His desires. Give it a whirl sometime. You'll be amazed at all the "God things" that happen in your life.